As you have long suspected, the risk of lawn gnomes has been spreading. What was only an issue for north American suburbia has now spread to the shores of Rio de Janeiro. Copacabana and Ipanema aren’t safe. Likely, your flats, apartments and hotels are about to be flooded, if they haven’t already. The garden gnomes are here on holiday with a few days to kill, literally. Here are some tips on living through the onslaught before they are creeping all over the real estate that you just happen to be taking up.

Initially, you need to be familiar with your exit strategies for the apartments or hotels that you might be staying in. Practice exiting from a first-story window. You may need to jump from your accommodations if a hoard of gnomes are crawling around your flats. Don’t forget to commit to memory the layouts. Those little bastards have been known to cut power lines. Also, be sure and have a second bicycle concealed. Lawn gnomes always disable your car rentals and also your bicycle before their assault. And finally, don’t forget cardio. That bicycle won’t do you any good in the event you can’t peddle your heart out.

If break free from your apartments or hotels are not an option, you will be left with hand to gnome combat. Keep a weapon in every room so you will have something available to fight back. Also, get in the habit of dressing in layers. Their little blades and arrows will have a harder time breaking through layers of clothes. This will make accommodations for at least some safeguard.

Also, you can’t forget to train for the impending doom of a garden gnome onslaught in Rio de Janeiro. Practice rising from bed quickly in attack mode. One hand to reaches for a flashlight and the other should have already got a weapon in hand to club or stab the little demons. One might also contemplate rentals of some heavy duty firepower.

No one ever envisioned for this kind of onslaught to occur in Rio de Janeiro, so best of luck. No one anticipated that the garden gnomes would be going south. So it looks like you will have to cut your vacation short.

Copacabana and Ipanema will both soon be crawling with them. It should be noted that not one of the tips in this guide assures your survival in the eventuality of a brutal garden gnome attack, but it should at least give you a fighting chance. Good hunting and stay safe!

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